Without any warning my eyes just seemed to pop open. I was staring at an old friend I hadn’t seen in about a year, staring back. “Am I dead“, I said calmly. “Not yet”, he said with a sly grin appearing in the corner of his mouth. “Why are you here”, I asked? Greg, smiled and said,” Your wife called me”. “Where am I”? . “I.C.U.”. “How did you get in here”. I asked as just then an unusual pain shot through my body. “Told them I was your brother, get some rest. I’ll tell them you finally woke”. He said, staring down at me. That grin still in the corner of his mouth. Just as they had opened, I couldn’t seem to keep my eyes open any longer.
A few days before, I’d been at work trying to shake the nastiest flu I’d ever had. I just felt puny, hot then cold, sweating more than usual. Just over all tired, but I just kept going. I’d had a bad flu the end of the year after playing Santa for the store and all those kids. It was fun but what ever I’d caught put me down for two weeks. Figured that time of year again. Odd thing was it was end of May.
People at work kept asking if I was Ok, guess I looked as bad as I felt. I‘d tell them, “yea, I’m good just something I can’t shake”. I figured I’d shake it in a few more days. My wife on the other hand had a different idea. Feeling like crap, she made me cut my work day short and visit the little medical facility across the street. Probably for the best, I really couldn’t take much more. Just didn’t want to admit it. It’s a guy thing.
Sat and waited my turn while the procession of people made there way back through the clinic doors as they where called. My wife sat next to me. To make sure I’d go through with the walk in visit. An hour or so and I found myself in the back, in a little white room filled with medical equipment. Sitting straight up on the end of the paper sheeted bed, my wife in a chair next to me.
One nurse proceeded another, mostly to grab things out of drawers and cabinets. Great I’m in the storage room. I thought. One actually did come in and take my blood pressure and temperature, asked a few Questions and was gone. Finally this Doctor walked in and asked , “What seems to be the problem”? Told him I a had a flu I couldn’t shake, and without even so much as touching me he looks at me and says, “you don’t have the flu, you need to go to the hospital, now”. OK, I thought, Why? “If you don’t you’ll be dead in two weeks”! Just like that he said it.
Now I can’t seem to figure out anything. I’m not panicked just figured, OK lets take the next step. They wanted to call an ambulance but I’m a poor guy and can’t afford the frills so against their advice, I drove myself to the hospital, only about forty-five minutes away I figured. They told me to go and get further testing. One nurse in particular, came into the little room where my wife and I were and seemed very insistent that I promise her I do what the doctor wanted. Although I’d never seen her before, she was very nice, a bit overly concerned for someone who didn’t know me, I mean she wasn’t even the nurse that took my vitals. But I was feeling like garbage and in no shape to not agree. I promised her, and off my wife and I went. I drove.
Seemed the hospital was waiting for us, so in we went. Let the testing begin. Hours went by and they had taken pictures, blood, vitals, stress, EKG, the works. Nothing. All I remember from that evening, was now wanting to go home. Its was getting into the night time and there where three doctors talking to each other in view of the bed they’d put me in. I was a walk in emergency patient at that point. They actually were scratching there heads over what could be possibly be wrong with me.
Surprise. The nurse from the clinic. Walks into the room where they have me laying in the E.R.. Just like that, she just walks in from around the corner. Like she belongs there. She glances at the docs that are talking with each other. I figured the other doctor sent her to check out the situation, but I’ll admit, it was the first time I’d seen that kind of care given to a patient from a clinic. She smiles at my wife, then at me. “Make sure that they do an angio gram on you, they’ll find the problem”. Again, she was very nice and very insistent. “Don’t let them just send you home”. That’s what she said, smiled at the both of us and walked away. Just like she had entered.
Within moments of this, one of the doctors comes toward the bed and tells us that the tests are inconclusive. That’s when I mention the idea of and angio thingy. He thought for a minute and said it could show more of what was going on but there facility didn’t have the necessary equipment to do one. Really? I mean this was a hospital. He told me that they would make the proper arraignments with another hospital and also to make sure the insurance would allow it. Go home and rest, they’d call. So with my note for work, I drove home.
Two days later , I received a phone call. Another hospital was going to do the angio gram, don’t eat, drink, be there at six thirty in the mourning. OK.
I was nervous as hell before the procedure. I mean they take this camera on a wire and go up one of your main arteries all the way to your heart. All these much older patients where in line waiting for the same thing. I was forty-three. Nurses came and went explaining what would happen, all the while I’m laying there thinking, I don’t need this this is crazy. I’m leaving. Its what I was thinking, but its not what happened. They rolled me into to the surgery room, the doctor came in and before I could be anymore nervous it was done. Really. I was thrilled, just had to keep some pressure on my leg where they went in and I’d be going home. I didn’t feel a thing. All that for nothing.
Home again. The phone rang, my wife answered. Seems the last test found what the problem was. Four blocked main arteries on the left side of the heart, two one hundred and two ninety eight percent blockages. I would be required to admit myself for open heart surgery immediately. Needless to say, its not what you want to hear nor is it something you want to pass onto your loved ones.
Everybody showed up and remained in the waiting room. I was prepped, said my See ya later to my daughter, mother and wife. Then I was wheeled away on a gurney, looking at my daughter and wife standing there. I was more calm than I think I’d been my whole life. I just remember thinking of how much I loved my family. I kept thinking I’m ready, for anything.
Last thing I remember, was a cold table and very bright lights with a lot of people milling around. Someone saying count back. Think I got to three. Next thing. My buddy staring down at me.
A four hour surgery lasted over eleven, I was out for three days. They had lost me but was successful at bringing me back. I never felt a thing. When I awoke, it had been as if I’d been asleep for only a few minutes. Do I remember anything? Only that I felt clear headed, when I woke. I mean real clarity. Like everything made sense, and nothing mattered all at the same time. I know weird, its hard to explain. But almost six years later I'm still here. I have a lot of people who are happy about that fact. I do what I can to keep it that way.
As for the very insistent nurse, whom we have yet to find and thank. Nobody seemed to know who we talking about, when we went back to the clinic. Weird.
For the Birds
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Old Post: Another Day In Paradise
Another day in Paridise
To Whom It May Concern, I’m been recently thinking about a lot of the issues going on with everyday life and everyday people. It always does amaze me,( not that I’m remotely in any better shape mentally or physically than any one else), but at the incredicible things we as a species can accomplish, art, music, construction, farming just everything.
It also amazes me how stupid we can seem to be in the same moment, I won’t go into the whole list as it is extensive as you well know and I might miss one and then I’d of pissed somebody off for missing thier favorite save the european snail campaign. My cause by the way is the ’texas prairie chicken’, amongst others.
We have a responsibility to not only our selves but to the well being of everything around us. Yes, this includes your neighbors, although you may secretly not like them but they do order the paper which you borrow, occasionally, just to secretly remind them who’s really in charge of the neighborhood. BECAUSE AS EVERYONE KNOWS YOU WE"RE THERE FIRST. Personnal issues just disregard that.
Everybody seemingly wants to get along. How I know this is because people are always telling me that someone or other doesn’t like them for reasons unknown. And this bothers them, regardless of the fact that they really never talk to that person, they just get that look or feeling. "Did you see the way she looked at me, what’s her frickin problem?", you get the jist.
My solution to some of these problems, simple. Wave and smile at eveyone. Not only will they think your off your meds but they won’t know how to react and will permanetly never bother you again with thier insufferable looks. Occasionionaly say Hello, as this will blow thier minds for days on end. They may even start speaking to you after awhile about pleasanter things, like the other neighbors, then you’ll both have a common cause and get along faboulously. Isn’t that better for eveyone in the long run,why can’t we just all just get along, as the man said.
Next time we’ll talk about stupid tv versa’s smart tv. Ask yourself which one do you watch. And the thought of the day do some of the children in your neighborhood, angels that they are,could they possibly be better equiped than your local police force, think about it?
Thanks for now and have a wonderful today, Be Well
To Whom It May Concern, I’m been recently thinking about a lot of the issues going on with everyday life and everyday people. It always does amaze me,( not that I’m remotely in any better shape mentally or physically than any one else), but at the incredicible things we as a species can accomplish, art, music, construction, farming just everything.
It also amazes me how stupid we can seem to be in the same moment, I won’t go into the whole list as it is extensive as you well know and I might miss one and then I’d of pissed somebody off for missing thier favorite save the european snail campaign. My cause by the way is the ’texas prairie chicken’, amongst others.
We have a responsibility to not only our selves but to the well being of everything around us. Yes, this includes your neighbors, although you may secretly not like them but they do order the paper which you borrow, occasionally, just to secretly remind them who’s really in charge of the neighborhood. BECAUSE AS EVERYONE KNOWS YOU WE"RE THERE FIRST. Personnal issues just disregard that.
Everybody seemingly wants to get along. How I know this is because people are always telling me that someone or other doesn’t like them for reasons unknown. And this bothers them, regardless of the fact that they really never talk to that person, they just get that look or feeling. "Did you see the way she looked at me, what’s her frickin problem?", you get the jist.
My solution to some of these problems, simple. Wave and smile at eveyone. Not only will they think your off your meds but they won’t know how to react and will permanetly never bother you again with thier insufferable looks. Occasionionaly say Hello, as this will blow thier minds for days on end. They may even start speaking to you after awhile about pleasanter things, like the other neighbors, then you’ll both have a common cause and get along faboulously. Isn’t that better for eveyone in the long run,why can’t we just all just get along, as the man said.
Next time we’ll talk about stupid tv versa’s smart tv. Ask yourself which one do you watch. And the thought of the day do some of the children in your neighborhood, angels that they are,could they possibly be better equiped than your local police force, think about it?
Thanks for now and have a wonderful today, Be Well
Transferred from myspace
Check out this event: TROJAN WOMEN 2.0 (Critically-Acclaimed LV Premiere Event: One Week Left!!!)
Hosted By:
Atlas Theatre Ensemble
When:
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Where:
Onyx Theatre
953 E. Sahara Avenue
Las Vegas
89104
Description:
LV Premiere of Charles Mee's "Trojan Women 2.0". Described by critics and patrons as "Epic", "Mind-Blowing", "a Theatrical Event", the Las Vegas Weekly said it was "the best theatre seen in town", and named Atlas "the best in local alternative theatre"!
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/rkmclean/blog#ixzz106Gt2M4W
Hosted By:
Atlas Theatre Ensemble
When:
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Where:
Onyx Theatre
953 E. Sahara Avenue
Las Vegas
89104
Description:
LV Premiere of Charles Mee's "Trojan Women 2.0". Described by critics and patrons as "Epic", "Mind-Blowing", "a Theatrical Event", the Las Vegas Weekly said it was "the best theatre seen in town", and named Atlas "the best in local alternative theatre"!
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/rkmclean/blog#ixzz106Gt2M4W
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Family
I’ve been thinking of relatives of late. Not that they aren’t always on my mind, but from time to time, they take up a great deal of my mind. I love family and what it should be all about. I’ll admit mine is a bit dysfunctional and we haven’t been all that close. OK, more than a bit at times and becoming closer is a work in progress. It is getting better.
When I was growing up, it was my Grandmother Franzen that held the family together. At least my Mother’s side of the family. She was the hub of a giant wheel of relatives. We communed together on certain occasions during the year, and we enjoyed each others company. We saw each other regularly, we knew who we each were and were we stood in the family line.
I have vivid and enjoyable memories of older Aunts and Uncles. Many from the old country, Sweden. I didn’t look at them as old people I saw them as links, information to before, stories to be shared. They spoke I listened. I now know how fortunate I was as a little boy to have know many of them. Even then, somehow I knew.
When the elders passed as did my Grandmother, the family seemed to flow in different directions. Things changed and fast after grandma went. Many became distant.
Understandably, people must take care of their own. With careers and ones own family taking up your time. Its not hard to lose track of the bigger picture of family as a whole.
I have another family. My real father’s family. I had been pretty much cut off since age five. He never came around and only occasionally did my mother take us near his (my) family. As a child you didn’t question how adults did things or why. You just went along for the ride.
I have fond memories of my Aunt Phoebie and Uncle Dick, and all those kids, my cousins and so many, wow. They had a ranch with horses and critters, a bottle soda pop machine on the back porch. How cool was their place. I was really young.
I’ve only recently, through these past years have I been able to connect with some of my cousins from the Tracy and the Baker/Fuller line. Some because of FB, thanks.
I also got to talk to my Aunt Phoebie twice, before her passing. My Fathers sister. It was very emotional on both ends.
I remember my Grandmother Baker. Such a nice lady, she walked everywhere cleaning houses. She walked everywhere, really year round, in upstate NY. Who does that? That’s Tough. She is my French Canadian heritage, she left Quebec and came to the United States. She gave up so much for her family. She gave every day of her life, for her whole family. Everyday, till the end. She deserves to be honored by her family annually for her sacrifices. I’m sure she is.
I want people to know. When I speak of upstate NY I’m not talking within an hour of the City or the lower Hudson Valley, nor the Albany (capitol) area. I’m speaking Lake George, the Champlain, Glen Falls. The Eastern reaches of the Adirondacks. Just to keep everyone clear.
My mother remarried, giving me yet another set of relatives. Although not blood, we were family by marriage. Yea, that went over well. To this day a few of us have made bonds with each other, slowly we are still connecting with each other, mostly again due to FB.
We don’t do family gatherings, we don’t really do anything together as a whole family. I personally would love it, but in truth, its logistics. East, West, Mid-West. We are scattered literally everywhere. Including over sea’s. I have worked on the idea for several years but unless I can pay for some huge one time event. Its never going to take place.
I have been keeping and researching my family history, with all its twists and turns since I was about Twelve. I am working on the finished product. A book, with as much information as I have been able to gather and check and re check. Compiling is a massive undertaking and I’m at a point where I hope to finish because I’m done.
I’m going to take , what I call a family pulse. One last time. It is to try and make sure I have absolutely all the infor., photo’s, documents, etc. all that I could possible need
When will it be done. Good question. Before I die. Perhaps this is my Winchester House project? I sure hope not, ol.
As for family, I love each and everyone of them, even if we don’t stay in touch regularly or ever have or will. Family is family, PERIOD.
I think of and speak of many family members more than they will ever know. I do the same with friends, close or not. I like to think they think of me, in the same way.
When I was growing up, it was my Grandmother Franzen that held the family together. At least my Mother’s side of the family. She was the hub of a giant wheel of relatives. We communed together on certain occasions during the year, and we enjoyed each others company. We saw each other regularly, we knew who we each were and were we stood in the family line.
I have vivid and enjoyable memories of older Aunts and Uncles. Many from the old country, Sweden. I didn’t look at them as old people I saw them as links, information to before, stories to be shared. They spoke I listened. I now know how fortunate I was as a little boy to have know many of them. Even then, somehow I knew.
When the elders passed as did my Grandmother, the family seemed to flow in different directions. Things changed and fast after grandma went. Many became distant.
Understandably, people must take care of their own. With careers and ones own family taking up your time. Its not hard to lose track of the bigger picture of family as a whole.
I have another family. My real father’s family. I had been pretty much cut off since age five. He never came around and only occasionally did my mother take us near his (my) family. As a child you didn’t question how adults did things or why. You just went along for the ride.
I have fond memories of my Aunt Phoebie and Uncle Dick, and all those kids, my cousins and so many, wow. They had a ranch with horses and critters, a bottle soda pop machine on the back porch. How cool was their place. I was really young.
I’ve only recently, through these past years have I been able to connect with some of my cousins from the Tracy and the Baker/Fuller line. Some because of FB, thanks.
I also got to talk to my Aunt Phoebie twice, before her passing. My Fathers sister. It was very emotional on both ends.
I remember my Grandmother Baker. Such a nice lady, she walked everywhere cleaning houses. She walked everywhere, really year round, in upstate NY. Who does that? That’s Tough. She is my French Canadian heritage, she left Quebec and came to the United States. She gave up so much for her family. She gave every day of her life, for her whole family. Everyday, till the end. She deserves to be honored by her family annually for her sacrifices. I’m sure she is.
I want people to know. When I speak of upstate NY I’m not talking within an hour of the City or the lower Hudson Valley, nor the Albany (capitol) area. I’m speaking Lake George, the Champlain, Glen Falls. The Eastern reaches of the Adirondacks. Just to keep everyone clear.
My mother remarried, giving me yet another set of relatives. Although not blood, we were family by marriage. Yea, that went over well. To this day a few of us have made bonds with each other, slowly we are still connecting with each other, mostly again due to FB.
We don’t do family gatherings, we don’t really do anything together as a whole family. I personally would love it, but in truth, its logistics. East, West, Mid-West. We are scattered literally everywhere. Including over sea’s. I have worked on the idea for several years but unless I can pay for some huge one time event. Its never going to take place.
I have been keeping and researching my family history, with all its twists and turns since I was about Twelve. I am working on the finished product. A book, with as much information as I have been able to gather and check and re check. Compiling is a massive undertaking and I’m at a point where I hope to finish because I’m done.
I’m going to take , what I call a family pulse. One last time. It is to try and make sure I have absolutely all the infor., photo’s, documents, etc. all that I could possible need
When will it be done. Good question. Before I die. Perhaps this is my Winchester House project? I sure hope not, ol.
As for family, I love each and everyone of them, even if we don’t stay in touch regularly or ever have or will. Family is family, PERIOD.
I think of and speak of many family members more than they will ever know. I do the same with friends, close or not. I like to think they think of me, in the same way.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
A Reflection In My Window
Breathless -
Was the only word in thought to describe the feelings
As I sat gazing out the window of my kitchen.
A lost faint flicker of some distant star
As the soft hues of dawn canvassed the morning sky.
Enlightening my eyes to a vision of beauty unfolding.
While only hours before in darkness,
Lay a still slumbering landscape.
Birds lofting nearby amongst the many trees,
Standing like silent sentinels
The length and on either side of the drive,
Shared an early morning chorus of song to
Usher in the new day.
A cool breeze gently kisses the tall unkempt
Fields of grass,
Causing an uneven sway, spilling the morning
Dew from the blades
Onto the spongy soil below.
While gliding above a red tailed hawk,
Likened to a ballerina I flight, gracefully
Catching each current, using air pockets to break
And turn swiftly with flawless precision.
Ever watchful of the slightest movement below,
And possible morning snack.
Shadows shift as dawn blossoms into full
Morning light.
Warming all it touches while dulling
Softer colors in its radiance.
As if waking from a hidden slumber,
The fields explode to life,
Flowers stretching in the warmth,
A sea of pastels and muti-colored petals.
Then as if some silent call is heard, honeybee’s appear,
Collecting pollen without delay.
Carrying away the gold to be stored away.
For fresh nectar will come from their hard work this day.
While I gaze still out my window,
At all the wonders that unfold
From the wood does step a doe,
Stopping briefly, just to stare.
What seemed as if were hours for this hidden
world to appear.
Was in reality just long enough,
For my tea kettle to pierce the morning air.
Life was crawling, flying and walking around,
Not mentioning the mere thousands of the items
Still growing from the ground.
Then in a mere moment while stepping outside,
I had a brief insight, the picture seemed clear!
The purpose of life and all of creation
From man’s role on earth to the tiniest crustacean
Not to strip the lands, pushing back the expanses.
Nor to spoil the planet with foil smelling vapors.
We make it work once, then we throw it away.
We bury it deep, but it won’t go away.
We kill off the fish, and our drinking supply.
We exterminate whole species, dozens at a time.
It all seemed so simple looking out through my window,
Till I recalled the name, “Paradise”.
How the gardener wasn’t Able.
RK McLean c2005
Was the only word in thought to describe the feelings
As I sat gazing out the window of my kitchen.
A lost faint flicker of some distant star
As the soft hues of dawn canvassed the morning sky.
Enlightening my eyes to a vision of beauty unfolding.
While only hours before in darkness,
Lay a still slumbering landscape.
Birds lofting nearby amongst the many trees,
Standing like silent sentinels
The length and on either side of the drive,
Shared an early morning chorus of song to
Usher in the new day.
A cool breeze gently kisses the tall unkempt
Fields of grass,
Causing an uneven sway, spilling the morning
Dew from the blades
Onto the spongy soil below.
While gliding above a red tailed hawk,
Likened to a ballerina I flight, gracefully
Catching each current, using air pockets to break
And turn swiftly with flawless precision.
Ever watchful of the slightest movement below,
And possible morning snack.
Shadows shift as dawn blossoms into full
Morning light.
Warming all it touches while dulling
Softer colors in its radiance.
As if waking from a hidden slumber,
The fields explode to life,
Flowers stretching in the warmth,
A sea of pastels and muti-colored petals.
Then as if some silent call is heard, honeybee’s appear,
Collecting pollen without delay.
Carrying away the gold to be stored away.
For fresh nectar will come from their hard work this day.
While I gaze still out my window,
At all the wonders that unfold
From the wood does step a doe,
Stopping briefly, just to stare.
What seemed as if were hours for this hidden
world to appear.
Was in reality just long enough,
For my tea kettle to pierce the morning air.
Life was crawling, flying and walking around,
Not mentioning the mere thousands of the items
Still growing from the ground.
Then in a mere moment while stepping outside,
I had a brief insight, the picture seemed clear!
The purpose of life and all of creation
From man’s role on earth to the tiniest crustacean
Not to strip the lands, pushing back the expanses.
Nor to spoil the planet with foil smelling vapors.
We make it work once, then we throw it away.
We bury it deep, but it won’t go away.
We kill off the fish, and our drinking supply.
We exterminate whole species, dozens at a time.
It all seemed so simple looking out through my window,
Till I recalled the name, “Paradise”.
How the gardener wasn’t Able.
RK McLean c2005
Old Post: New Years Eve 2010
Most this night and into the wee hours of the next morning people all over the planet will be revealing in festivities, rejoicing for good fortune past or hoping for them in the months to come. They will be making resolutions that many will not sustain past the first month. They will be reflective on those that have passed known and unknown to them personally , they will be hopeful and joyous that those in charge of whatever nation they belong will do the right things for them, their people. They will rejoice in song and drink. They will remember the year now leaving and embracing the new year entering.
I will as I have always done, watch it quietly fade from one calendar into the next. I don’t do Amateur night, oddly it has always been the one night I do not take of alcohol of any kind. I spend it in reflection very much focused on what I have been blessed with and what I need to work on to make me a better me. Every year I struggle and try to keep my eye on the prize, (whatever that prize may be to me) every year I fall short but remember to be thankful for all I have accomplished and those I have in my life. I was always told as a small child, ”that life is simple, its people that tend to mess it up”. I have found more foundation to this with every years passing. I being one of those people am not exempt for my own shortcomings.
I look beyond the past year to the past decade. I recall this same time ten years ago we all feared the dreaded Y2K, the moment came and went not much happened. We moved on. But you see something did happen, we as a planetary species became afraid of the unknown in unity. In its aftermath, it was business as usual when nothing horrific took place. We tend to do that a lot, and I must say that’s what scares me the most about humans. We scurry and plan for the day and do nothing for the future if the day doesn’t live up to our fears.
We moved forward: September 11, 2001. I don’t need to say anymore, except this, this was our last wake up call. Welcome to the real World.
We went to War, our emotions burned within us for revenge, we came together, again our fears brought unity to the masses. The rest of the planet just seemingly stepped out of our way. The American arm of War was taught its fists clinched to lash out at any that might get in its way: “vengeance is mine, say eth the Lord”.
Amongst the years of War came, famine upon other nations in third world countries, genocide in places with strange names like Darfur. But that wasn’t our problem. We had our own hungry, displaced and homeless families. Little did we realize that soon greed would make everything so much worse than we could imagine. We were all guilty at some level, whether you admit it or not.
While we kept our eyes on Iraq and Afghanistan, the people in charge of our financial interests were raiding our cookie jars. Many of us fell right into place, buying things we knew we couldn’t afford, hoping for a flip on our investments. {I really wish that infomercials would be pulled from television programming, they are insulting and fictitious advertising}.
Now there are thousands of homes foreclosed upon, not all people bought with the intention of flipping, many did buy into the American dream. But the dream became a nightmare for the honest working folks a windfall for the banking industry and Wall Street. You say wait, they hurt also they had to get bailed out. Yes, and for the most part that’s what their biggest investment gamble was, that the GOV would step in to halt a full collapse of the industry. The People, as in WE the People, still ended up with foreclosure, mounting debt, falling lines of credit, bottom line we pay for the bailout, the financial industry wins. Many have already paid back the GOV and are soaring higher than before debt free, while we still wallow in the wake of financial destruction, they created.
Let us not forget the recent flu pandemics of late. O’ and our great agenda to pass a health care initiative through capital hill. I would not disagree that health care is expensive again we the people carry the brunt of this on our backs. We need everybody in this country to be healthy. Both body and mind. I am not opposed to health care but I haven’t had the pleasure to read the bill that has passed the Senate either. Last I checked they worked for me, yet I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting many of the current representatives, they don’t live in my neighborhoods, they don’t seem to shop in my stores. We cater to them as we would the French courts of old, I thought that’s what we feared most, monarchy rule. I have always wondered why they get paid so much when many are already more than wealthy and to top it all off they wine dine and travel on our dime. Keeping there pay while spending mine. Sorry just clearing my head. Just saying.
I look back on theses past Ten years , I am thankful for many things, firstly my family, we may be a dysfunctional and at times disgruntled bunch, we may not be as close as some of us would like but we as a family are intact. We know who we are. We know that we Love each other through it all.
I am thankful to still be here, I survived a massive emergency Quad Bypass surgery just short of five years ago, and I have had three stint interventions since. A four hour surgery became as I was told eleven or so hours. I woke up four days later, thinking it only a matter of hours gone by. I could tell you what I experienced, but you wouldn’t believe me so I will keep it to myself. What I can tell you is I have no fear of Dying save that of leaving my loved ones. I have always struggled with my belief, I not only own and have skip read several Bibles that I own in my library but also the Qur’an , some of the Torah and with many interests in Buddhism . I was baptized may 23,2007 for the first time in my life, ever. I am a christian , I believe in the Christ, but I say this to my fellow Christians there is more room for all of us than you may realize. The light comes for many when we are called home. Judgment is not ours but belongs solely to the father, as he says, “Love thy neighbor”. Perhaps if we started listening to his undiluted words and acted more on it , some of this tension and hatred would come to pass. Other Prophets also carried with them words of wisdom. Perhaps theirs should be heeded as well, we can always learn more from our differences to find a road to peaceful co-existence. You may be surprised at the similarities after all..
These past ten years have been an adventure for myself and my family. My wife and I have moved several times, mostly after my heart intervention, so that we could accommodate our financial situation and live as comfortably as possible. We now live and enjoy northern Arizona for its small town appeal and its proximity to friends and family in the Las Vegas area.
We have been blessed with two fine grandchildren, now seven and five years, which we love very much and unfortunately haven’t seen much, but all this will change next year. We have seen our three children grow into fine young adults and as they are still evolving within themselves , I sit back and watch as I can at the creative metamorphoses they go through with every passing experience. Words can never express how much I love them or how proud I am of them. They at their tender ages have exceeded far beyond my potential ever could. They have chosen good paths and if they continue to follow through great things lye in store into their old age long after most of us have passed from memory.
For the most part Our family is intact. We have though lost to important members: My Aunt Audrie first and only daughter of my Grandfather’s first union after settling in America from Sweden. She leaves behind her loving husband, three Children and numerous grandchildren.
My Uncle Bill, my Aunt Linda’s devoted husband, father and grandfather to his children. He was a funny guy who gave life everything he could.
We have lost cousins here and relatives far removed overseas in Sweden. They all will be sorely missed and remembered.
I promise my self in the new year to come, to be ever vigilant of the World around me. We still live in changing times that could go either way if we do not take care. I would hope that my friends and family, for that matter anyone whom might perchance read this take care, remember to be humble in the face of adversity. Frugal, when living the day to day. Kind to strangers, never averting your sight from what could have been yours. Many of us live pay day to pay day. When did we lose the ability to survive as hunter gatherers and become sheep for the captains of industries. Embracing technology is a good thing, if embraced properly. I seem to recall just forty odd years ago living without all the bells and whistles and living very well indeed. Perhaps we need a bit of the old school mentality with the application of the new world technology.
In closing:
I pray the same prayer as always, that you may find peace and tranquility throughout your life. More patience to deal with that which is unknown and that you may fear. That you will strive for peace not only among those that are different than yourself but also of those with similar thought. That hunger and homelessness will be eradicated within my time on Earth. That children and woman will be respected and not brutalized as they have been and still are throughout the World today. That Man will utilize the garden we have been given for more productive and respectful purposes to feed the world without raping the lands and polluting the air and waterways needed for our own survival.
That we as Humans learn finally learn what it is to be Human and humane.
I am not a pacifist, I will fight if provoked, its animal nature. I have been homeless, incarcerated, beaten, alone, hungry, unforgiving, intolerably drunk or high on drugs of one kind or another, thoughtless, rude, fowl, vial and down right nasty on some occasions. I have also been grateful, feed, housed, freed, humble, loved, found, forgiven and repented upon. I been given the gift of life (more than once) and I am still evolving into that better person I seek to be.
In old age and near death Michelangelo was asked what he thought of his life , he responded, ”I’m still Learning”. I like that.
Happy New Year, as my Muslim friends would say - Peace be with You
Sincerely and Always Yours Rob McLean
I will as I have always done, watch it quietly fade from one calendar into the next. I don’t do Amateur night, oddly it has always been the one night I do not take of alcohol of any kind. I spend it in reflection very much focused on what I have been blessed with and what I need to work on to make me a better me. Every year I struggle and try to keep my eye on the prize, (whatever that prize may be to me) every year I fall short but remember to be thankful for all I have accomplished and those I have in my life. I was always told as a small child, ”that life is simple, its people that tend to mess it up”. I have found more foundation to this with every years passing. I being one of those people am not exempt for my own shortcomings.
I look beyond the past year to the past decade. I recall this same time ten years ago we all feared the dreaded Y2K, the moment came and went not much happened. We moved on. But you see something did happen, we as a planetary species became afraid of the unknown in unity. In its aftermath, it was business as usual when nothing horrific took place. We tend to do that a lot, and I must say that’s what scares me the most about humans. We scurry and plan for the day and do nothing for the future if the day doesn’t live up to our fears.
We moved forward: September 11, 2001. I don’t need to say anymore, except this, this was our last wake up call. Welcome to the real World.
We went to War, our emotions burned within us for revenge, we came together, again our fears brought unity to the masses. The rest of the planet just seemingly stepped out of our way. The American arm of War was taught its fists clinched to lash out at any that might get in its way: “vengeance is mine, say eth the Lord”.
Amongst the years of War came, famine upon other nations in third world countries, genocide in places with strange names like Darfur. But that wasn’t our problem. We had our own hungry, displaced and homeless families. Little did we realize that soon greed would make everything so much worse than we could imagine. We were all guilty at some level, whether you admit it or not.
While we kept our eyes on Iraq and Afghanistan, the people in charge of our financial interests were raiding our cookie jars. Many of us fell right into place, buying things we knew we couldn’t afford, hoping for a flip on our investments. {I really wish that infomercials would be pulled from television programming, they are insulting and fictitious advertising}.
Now there are thousands of homes foreclosed upon, not all people bought with the intention of flipping, many did buy into the American dream. But the dream became a nightmare for the honest working folks a windfall for the banking industry and Wall Street. You say wait, they hurt also they had to get bailed out. Yes, and for the most part that’s what their biggest investment gamble was, that the GOV would step in to halt a full collapse of the industry. The People, as in WE the People, still ended up with foreclosure, mounting debt, falling lines of credit, bottom line we pay for the bailout, the financial industry wins. Many have already paid back the GOV and are soaring higher than before debt free, while we still wallow in the wake of financial destruction, they created.
Let us not forget the recent flu pandemics of late. O’ and our great agenda to pass a health care initiative through capital hill. I would not disagree that health care is expensive again we the people carry the brunt of this on our backs. We need everybody in this country to be healthy. Both body and mind. I am not opposed to health care but I haven’t had the pleasure to read the bill that has passed the Senate either. Last I checked they worked for me, yet I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting many of the current representatives, they don’t live in my neighborhoods, they don’t seem to shop in my stores. We cater to them as we would the French courts of old, I thought that’s what we feared most, monarchy rule. I have always wondered why they get paid so much when many are already more than wealthy and to top it all off they wine dine and travel on our dime. Keeping there pay while spending mine. Sorry just clearing my head. Just saying.
I look back on theses past Ten years , I am thankful for many things, firstly my family, we may be a dysfunctional and at times disgruntled bunch, we may not be as close as some of us would like but we as a family are intact. We know who we are. We know that we Love each other through it all.
I am thankful to still be here, I survived a massive emergency Quad Bypass surgery just short of five years ago, and I have had three stint interventions since. A four hour surgery became as I was told eleven or so hours. I woke up four days later, thinking it only a matter of hours gone by. I could tell you what I experienced, but you wouldn’t believe me so I will keep it to myself. What I can tell you is I have no fear of Dying save that of leaving my loved ones. I have always struggled with my belief, I not only own and have skip read several Bibles that I own in my library but also the Qur’an , some of the Torah and with many interests in Buddhism . I was baptized may 23,2007 for the first time in my life, ever. I am a christian , I believe in the Christ, but I say this to my fellow Christians there is more room for all of us than you may realize. The light comes for many when we are called home. Judgment is not ours but belongs solely to the father, as he says, “Love thy neighbor”. Perhaps if we started listening to his undiluted words and acted more on it , some of this tension and hatred would come to pass. Other Prophets also carried with them words of wisdom. Perhaps theirs should be heeded as well, we can always learn more from our differences to find a road to peaceful co-existence. You may be surprised at the similarities after all..
These past ten years have been an adventure for myself and my family. My wife and I have moved several times, mostly after my heart intervention, so that we could accommodate our financial situation and live as comfortably as possible. We now live and enjoy northern Arizona for its small town appeal and its proximity to friends and family in the Las Vegas area.
We have been blessed with two fine grandchildren, now seven and five years, which we love very much and unfortunately haven’t seen much, but all this will change next year. We have seen our three children grow into fine young adults and as they are still evolving within themselves , I sit back and watch as I can at the creative metamorphoses they go through with every passing experience. Words can never express how much I love them or how proud I am of them. They at their tender ages have exceeded far beyond my potential ever could. They have chosen good paths and if they continue to follow through great things lye in store into their old age long after most of us have passed from memory.
For the most part Our family is intact. We have though lost to important members: My Aunt Audrie first and only daughter of my Grandfather’s first union after settling in America from Sweden. She leaves behind her loving husband, three Children and numerous grandchildren.
My Uncle Bill, my Aunt Linda’s devoted husband, father and grandfather to his children. He was a funny guy who gave life everything he could.
We have lost cousins here and relatives far removed overseas in Sweden. They all will be sorely missed and remembered.
I promise my self in the new year to come, to be ever vigilant of the World around me. We still live in changing times that could go either way if we do not take care. I would hope that my friends and family, for that matter anyone whom might perchance read this take care, remember to be humble in the face of adversity. Frugal, when living the day to day. Kind to strangers, never averting your sight from what could have been yours. Many of us live pay day to pay day. When did we lose the ability to survive as hunter gatherers and become sheep for the captains of industries. Embracing technology is a good thing, if embraced properly. I seem to recall just forty odd years ago living without all the bells and whistles and living very well indeed. Perhaps we need a bit of the old school mentality with the application of the new world technology.
In closing:
I pray the same prayer as always, that you may find peace and tranquility throughout your life. More patience to deal with that which is unknown and that you may fear. That you will strive for peace not only among those that are different than yourself but also of those with similar thought. That hunger and homelessness will be eradicated within my time on Earth. That children and woman will be respected and not brutalized as they have been and still are throughout the World today. That Man will utilize the garden we have been given for more productive and respectful purposes to feed the world without raping the lands and polluting the air and waterways needed for our own survival.
That we as Humans learn finally learn what it is to be Human and humane.
I am not a pacifist, I will fight if provoked, its animal nature. I have been homeless, incarcerated, beaten, alone, hungry, unforgiving, intolerably drunk or high on drugs of one kind or another, thoughtless, rude, fowl, vial and down right nasty on some occasions. I have also been grateful, feed, housed, freed, humble, loved, found, forgiven and repented upon. I been given the gift of life (more than once) and I am still evolving into that better person I seek to be.
In old age and near death Michelangelo was asked what he thought of his life , he responded, ”I’m still Learning”. I like that.
Happy New Year, as my Muslim friends would say - Peace be with You
Sincerely and Always Yours Rob McLean
Sunday, September 12, 2010
'Time Square Pulse'
'Time Square Pulse', read with a rap style beat in mind
‘Times Square Pulse’
Orchestra of sound
Muffled masses set the beat
Horns and sirens in the street
Flowing from 7th toward One Times Square
A moment in the life for a downtown fare.
Canyon’s of glass and steel
Asphalt of life that seems surreal
Arteries pumping, steadily thumping
Rhythmically jumping from dawn well into night
Above and below these midtown Manhattan sites.
Walking amongst the throngs
One feels alive, electric, almost high
Apprehensively cautious focus directed
Whirling emotions hit you like a potion
Visual senses and smells upon your upper lip.
Knock you out like an IV drip
Business suits, homemade flutes
Homeless unseen, until the night time scene
Garbage can bands, break dancing jams
Sidewalk artist, for a dollar if you please.
Longitude: 73.986333, Latitude: 40.755702
Grounded array of cosmic neon
Ceaselessly calling outwardly/inwardly
Lighthouse to the masses, beacon of location
Forever calling
Come to me
Come to me
I am the center of all things possible
Modern Mecca for humanity
“Crossroads to the World”
Melting pot for generations
Blending music with cheap libations
Molding lives with art and sex
Cheap street hustlers with commercial sense
Concrete cowboys and New York’s finest.
No city in the world
Can show more kindness
Uptown, downtown, east and west
Diamond district, newsstand vendor
Hot dog please , for American tender
New Years eve, victories screams
All hail the conquering hero
Salutations abound, parade drums pound
way nights.
Architectural sites, society flights
For Poetry reads and Broadway Nights.
RK McLean ‘09
‘Times Square Pulse’
Orchestra of sound
Muffled masses set the beat
Horns and sirens in the street
Flowing from 7th toward One Times Square
A moment in the life for a downtown fare.
Canyon’s of glass and steel
Asphalt of life that seems surreal
Arteries pumping, steadily thumping
Rhythmically jumping from dawn well into night
Above and below these midtown Manhattan sites.
Walking amongst the throngs
One feels alive, electric, almost high
Apprehensively cautious focus directed
Whirling emotions hit you like a potion
Visual senses and smells upon your upper lip.
Knock you out like an IV drip
Business suits, homemade flutes
Homeless unseen, until the night time scene
Garbage can bands, break dancing jams
Sidewalk artist, for a dollar if you please.
Longitude: 73.986333, Latitude: 40.755702
Grounded array of cosmic neon
Ceaselessly calling outwardly/inwardly
Lighthouse to the masses, beacon of location
Forever calling
Come to me
Come to me
I am the center of all things possible
Modern Mecca for humanity
“Crossroads to the World”
Melting pot for generations
Blending music with cheap libations
Molding lives with art and sex
Cheap street hustlers with commercial sense
Concrete cowboys and New York’s finest.
No city in the world
Can show more kindness
Uptown, downtown, east and west
Diamond district, newsstand vendor
Hot dog please , for American tender
New Years eve, victories screams
All hail the conquering hero
Salutations abound, parade drums pound
way nights.
Architectural sites, society flights
For Poetry reads and Broadway Nights.
RK McLean ‘09
Poetic Turmoil
Poetry - ’Poetic Turmoil’
There are moments
When in a crowded room
That silence can deafen one's thoughts.
Is it a need or disease
For paper and pen - to express.
Ideas flow to paper
Only to draw blank expression.
Is it true that some fear failure
More than death itself?
Over and over the same thoughts
Echo in my mind.
Weary from the noise
There are days one would think
Insanity shortly around the corner.
Yet no escape comes,
Only silent confusion.
Imagination of the soul,
Filled with such turmoil.
Never able to begin
Begun, unable to fully comprehend
Starting never ending.
Reaching far beyond inner obstacles.
Late and the body cries out for rest.
If only to sleep another dream.
Till the right words,
Find pen to paper.
c '96
There are moments
When in a crowded room
That silence can deafen one's thoughts.
Is it a need or disease
For paper and pen - to express.
Ideas flow to paper
Only to draw blank expression.
Is it true that some fear failure
More than death itself?
Over and over the same thoughts
Echo in my mind.
Weary from the noise
There are days one would think
Insanity shortly around the corner.
Yet no escape comes,
Only silent confusion.
Imagination of the soul,
Filled with such turmoil.
Never able to begin
Begun, unable to fully comprehend
Starting never ending.
Reaching far beyond inner obstacles.
Late and the body cries out for rest.
If only to sleep another dream.
Till the right words,
Find pen to paper.
c '96
Old Post: Turning Forty-Seven
Turning Forty-Seven
As most of you know I turned forty-seven on the 19th, couple of days ago. Mostly insignificant as a number or an age, not like 5,16,21,40 or 62. But to me it had a lot of meaning.
Now that I've attained Forty-seven, I am one year,(at least in number), than my father was when he died. I know what your thinking, I almost died as a kid, at 25,(another insignifcant number), heart attack, 43 quad bypass surgery, and then there would be te last week in July this year when I dropped in front of the Doc in the emergency room, requiring two stints and a ballon so I could not only survive but make the Star trek convention in Vegas, six days later.
Which by the way I had a great time, got to make new friends, hang out with my Mom and Step-Dad. ( I have always disliked the frase step). The only drawback I did not have the time or stamina by the end of any given day to seek out any of my good friends John, Dale and Terry. I owe them.
Yes I went running around at a convention after a heart intervention, get over it. I was at a Nascar race with John all weekend right before my bypass. Live a little people.
Now what was I saying, awe yes Forty-seven. Unfortunately my family has along history of heart disease, so to get to the short of it. This was and is a big milestone for me, and I'm looking forward to the next Birthday. Yes - I get one every year. Just like you.
For family and friends, I am doing well, taking my meds like I'm supposed to, eating well, no alcohol, losing weight, seeing the Doctors. Shit living this long hasn't turned out to be much fun. But I guess I'll be around to long enough to do more running around. And thats all the fun I need.
In the words of Mickey Mantle,"I'd taken better care of myself , if I'd known I was going to live so long"
As most of you know I turned forty-seven on the 19th, couple of days ago. Mostly insignificant as a number or an age, not like 5,16,21,40 or 62. But to me it had a lot of meaning.
Now that I've attained Forty-seven, I am one year,(at least in number), than my father was when he died. I know what your thinking, I almost died as a kid, at 25,(another insignifcant number), heart attack, 43 quad bypass surgery, and then there would be te last week in July this year when I dropped in front of the Doc in the emergency room, requiring two stints and a ballon so I could not only survive but make the Star trek convention in Vegas, six days later.
Which by the way I had a great time, got to make new friends, hang out with my Mom and Step-Dad. ( I have always disliked the frase step). The only drawback I did not have the time or stamina by the end of any given day to seek out any of my good friends John, Dale and Terry. I owe them.
Yes I went running around at a convention after a heart intervention, get over it. I was at a Nascar race with John all weekend right before my bypass. Live a little people.
Now what was I saying, awe yes Forty-seven. Unfortunately my family has along history of heart disease, so to get to the short of it. This was and is a big milestone for me, and I'm looking forward to the next Birthday. Yes - I get one every year. Just like you.
For family and friends, I am doing well, taking my meds like I'm supposed to, eating well, no alcohol, losing weight, seeing the Doctors. Shit living this long hasn't turned out to be much fun. But I guess I'll be around to long enough to do more running around. And thats all the fun I need.
In the words of Mickey Mantle,"I'd taken better care of myself , if I'd known I was going to live so long"
Saturday, September 11, 2010
LOSS
I’ve been busy around our place, all the while thinking about Loss, the Loss of all those nine years ago, those we’ve sacrificed over sea’s in Iraq, Afghanistan and places we don’t even know about. About my cousin Harry Fuller, whom I only knew about through his sister and today his brother Ed.
Kept sticking in my head, I should feel more. He is my cousin. I know he was what I was told a good man, had three children, I heard his wife’s from a previous marriage. That shouldn’t matter you take care of them and try, your just as much a part of their world as their paternal.
I know both sides of that coin, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.
I talked to Joe his older brother, at least I think he’s the eldest, a couple times but not anything recent. His brother Edward is on my Face book page. I think Ed is the youngest. But you know I’m not sure of any of these facts.
I never reached out to Harry, at least I have no memory of the attempt. I just don’t know why.
I haven’t been home in so many years I’m not sure where home is anymore. Guess its just a memory on one hand and a place you lay your hat on the other.
I’ve only this past couple years actually been connecting with family I only remembered as a child. I looked and waited for years, trust me. My only two contacts my real Dad when I was like seventeen almost eighteen. He called asked for my Mom. Asked who I was and then said, ”hello Robert this is you dad“. I thought, like are you shitting me, thirteen years and bam, now. My emotions where instantaneously in overdrive, I just froze. I think he said something else, but by then I had looked over at my step Dad sitting at the table with a quizzical look, I just put the phone down and walked away. “Mom its for You”.
I waited for years for that and when it happened I just froze.
My other contact, My Uncle my real dad’s brother, my name sake. We spoke a few times on the phone corresponded in the mail.
He was everything I needed him to be.
He’d gotten hold of me shortly after my Dad had died. I was married to my first wife. She worried about me when I got the news, I just kept working. Like nothing happened.
I knew at one time that my first wife cared about me, but I was so lost. I wanted emotions without strings, somehow I got used to disappointment. I didn’t realize much later in life that some people get so used to it they sabotage things in their own life because they don’t believe they deserve anything good.
We we’re young and I had much bigger problems than she could handle. Our marriage got us away from what we’d both been running from for awhile. She was the wiser for ending it.
My uncle had died at that point, but I wasn’t sure for a really long time, no contact, letters returned. I figured it was just the way it was going to be. Get to close, shit happens.
I’d found out I have two half siblings one boy, one girl. Edward and Renee. Tried looking for years, no luck so far.
I lost my daughter for awhile. Perhaps I still have to some degree. Of all my losses that’s the one I never got over. It changes you, you learn that some things are never enough. That sometimes it is what it is. I watch or try to watch what I say or write. I have to be a different person. Does it help, not being honest with one’s self. No.
But I would rather die than hurt the one’s I love. She is strong and talented, I would like to think she got some of that from her old man. I couldn’t tell you. I’m low on the pecking order. But I do know she at least loves me even if she can’t understand me. I’ll take that over everything.
My step children have had to deal with the opposite side of that coin. Their parents separated, they love both their parents. I’ve always told them this is your real Dad and he always will be. They still struggle with their relationship. Guess some things aren’t really as different than they are the same.
I lost my friend Jack (a wolf) and my big brother Chris not far apart from each other, at least in my mind. Both Losses where hard for me to handle. I didn’t care about what people thought or if they even understood my grief.
I lost my Uncle Bill, whom I admired very much. I will in future have to deal with the losses of my Aunts, Uncle and Step Dad. I almost lost my mother a month ago.
That and the loss of my Grandmother’s, both Mary and Hazel. I still miss them dearly and its been more than thirty years. I have lost relatives I cared for, friends due to accidents and even their own grief. Loss has just been part of my life.
I am sure I’m not alone in this boat. Just seems to be part of the pattern.
Grief is for the living, so I’ve been told. My cousin Harry, I believe is in a better place, although I’m sure he wasn’t ready to go. I don’t believe none of us are really ever ready.
I know I wasn’t, but I got brought back. I’m not afraid of it any more. I just don’t want to hurt anyone in the process or in the after math.
Rest in peace Harry, and all you others, we’ll all see each other later.
Kept sticking in my head, I should feel more. He is my cousin. I know he was what I was told a good man, had three children, I heard his wife’s from a previous marriage. That shouldn’t matter you take care of them and try, your just as much a part of their world as their paternal.
I know both sides of that coin, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.
I talked to Joe his older brother, at least I think he’s the eldest, a couple times but not anything recent. His brother Edward is on my Face book page. I think Ed is the youngest. But you know I’m not sure of any of these facts.
I never reached out to Harry, at least I have no memory of the attempt. I just don’t know why.
I haven’t been home in so many years I’m not sure where home is anymore. Guess its just a memory on one hand and a place you lay your hat on the other.
I’ve only this past couple years actually been connecting with family I only remembered as a child. I looked and waited for years, trust me. My only two contacts my real Dad when I was like seventeen almost eighteen. He called asked for my Mom. Asked who I was and then said, ”hello Robert this is you dad“. I thought, like are you shitting me, thirteen years and bam, now. My emotions where instantaneously in overdrive, I just froze. I think he said something else, but by then I had looked over at my step Dad sitting at the table with a quizzical look, I just put the phone down and walked away. “Mom its for You”.
I waited for years for that and when it happened I just froze.
My other contact, My Uncle my real dad’s brother, my name sake. We spoke a few times on the phone corresponded in the mail.
He was everything I needed him to be.
He’d gotten hold of me shortly after my Dad had died. I was married to my first wife. She worried about me when I got the news, I just kept working. Like nothing happened.
I knew at one time that my first wife cared about me, but I was so lost. I wanted emotions without strings, somehow I got used to disappointment. I didn’t realize much later in life that some people get so used to it they sabotage things in their own life because they don’t believe they deserve anything good.
We we’re young and I had much bigger problems than she could handle. Our marriage got us away from what we’d both been running from for awhile. She was the wiser for ending it.
My uncle had died at that point, but I wasn’t sure for a really long time, no contact, letters returned. I figured it was just the way it was going to be. Get to close, shit happens.
I’d found out I have two half siblings one boy, one girl. Edward and Renee. Tried looking for years, no luck so far.
I lost my daughter for awhile. Perhaps I still have to some degree. Of all my losses that’s the one I never got over. It changes you, you learn that some things are never enough. That sometimes it is what it is. I watch or try to watch what I say or write. I have to be a different person. Does it help, not being honest with one’s self. No.
But I would rather die than hurt the one’s I love. She is strong and talented, I would like to think she got some of that from her old man. I couldn’t tell you. I’m low on the pecking order. But I do know she at least loves me even if she can’t understand me. I’ll take that over everything.
My step children have had to deal with the opposite side of that coin. Their parents separated, they love both their parents. I’ve always told them this is your real Dad and he always will be. They still struggle with their relationship. Guess some things aren’t really as different than they are the same.
I lost my friend Jack (a wolf) and my big brother Chris not far apart from each other, at least in my mind. Both Losses where hard for me to handle. I didn’t care about what people thought or if they even understood my grief.
I lost my Uncle Bill, whom I admired very much. I will in future have to deal with the losses of my Aunts, Uncle and Step Dad. I almost lost my mother a month ago.
That and the loss of my Grandmother’s, both Mary and Hazel. I still miss them dearly and its been more than thirty years. I have lost relatives I cared for, friends due to accidents and even their own grief. Loss has just been part of my life.
I am sure I’m not alone in this boat. Just seems to be part of the pattern.
Grief is for the living, so I’ve been told. My cousin Harry, I believe is in a better place, although I’m sure he wasn’t ready to go. I don’t believe none of us are really ever ready.
I know I wasn’t, but I got brought back. I’m not afraid of it any more. I just don’t want to hurt anyone in the process or in the after math.
Rest in peace Harry, and all you others, we’ll all see each other later.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Remembrance of 9/11
This Saturday marks an Anniversary I believe the majority of people in America and even the World would say they wished never had to be commemorated.
Tuesday September 11,2001.
I remember that day and the days that followed. How could you not. Not a plane in the sky. Our country went on high alert, as well as our embassy’s and America’s finest everywhere. It seemed as if the World had been turned up side down.
It was, we joined ranks of many that have experienced Terrorism for decades first hand, and it reminded us also of acts performed before that dreadful day.
As a country, regardless of race, political belief or religion, yes religion, we as Americans stood together. Arm in arm we moved forward one day at a time, together. We were one country unified.
Today all those years later, the wound is still tender to the touch. It should be. We we’re attacked and when you are attacked without provocation, it pisses you off.
We retaliated and we went to War, both separate issues. We won the war although we have and are still paying a high price. We retaliated and we have not brought in our biggest prize yet, Bin Laden.
September 11 changed many things.
The way we look at security within and without or country. This wasn’t our first rodeo it was just our biggest. Our security procedures should have been scaled up years before, and still are sadly ridiculous by some standards.
But you shouldn’t live in Paranoia and fear either. Much of security is really common sense, something we lack now and again.
It changed how we looked at ourselves within the world community. Who we really are and how the rest of the world views us.
Travelers know that in much of the world its still hunting season on Americans. Sad to say. Don’t let this sway your next expedition, just do your due diligence, be careful and respectful to other people and their cultures, when traveling. Much of the world loves America and Americans for its ideals and what it stands for. Don’t be an ugly American.
One of the biggest things we’ve had to examine within ourselves is how we approach religious beliefs of others. How we not only look at ourselves but how we look at others and how they look at Us.
But that sensitive issue is for another thought provoking day.
If you’re a Christian, God Bless, pray for the followers of Islam, if you are Muslim, Peace be with you, pray for those that would give their lives for all people. If you are Jewish, Shalom, bind the two worlds with your wisdom. If you are Buddhist, Praise all that is peaceful and good.
Qur’an
In the name of God,
Merciful to all,
Compassionate to Each!
Psalm 119, 2
Blessed are the undefiled in the Way, who walk in the law of the Lord.
Tuesday September 11,2001.
I remember that day and the days that followed. How could you not. Not a plane in the sky. Our country went on high alert, as well as our embassy’s and America’s finest everywhere. It seemed as if the World had been turned up side down.
It was, we joined ranks of many that have experienced Terrorism for decades first hand, and it reminded us also of acts performed before that dreadful day.
As a country, regardless of race, political belief or religion, yes religion, we as Americans stood together. Arm in arm we moved forward one day at a time, together. We were one country unified.
Today all those years later, the wound is still tender to the touch. It should be. We we’re attacked and when you are attacked without provocation, it pisses you off.
We retaliated and we went to War, both separate issues. We won the war although we have and are still paying a high price. We retaliated and we have not brought in our biggest prize yet, Bin Laden.
September 11 changed many things.
The way we look at security within and without or country. This wasn’t our first rodeo it was just our biggest. Our security procedures should have been scaled up years before, and still are sadly ridiculous by some standards.
But you shouldn’t live in Paranoia and fear either. Much of security is really common sense, something we lack now and again.
It changed how we looked at ourselves within the world community. Who we really are and how the rest of the world views us.
Travelers know that in much of the world its still hunting season on Americans. Sad to say. Don’t let this sway your next expedition, just do your due diligence, be careful and respectful to other people and their cultures, when traveling. Much of the world loves America and Americans for its ideals and what it stands for. Don’t be an ugly American.
One of the biggest things we’ve had to examine within ourselves is how we approach religious beliefs of others. How we not only look at ourselves but how we look at others and how they look at Us.
But that sensitive issue is for another thought provoking day.
If you’re a Christian, God Bless, pray for the followers of Islam, if you are Muslim, Peace be with you, pray for those that would give their lives for all people. If you are Jewish, Shalom, bind the two worlds with your wisdom. If you are Buddhist, Praise all that is peaceful and good.
Qur’an
In the name of God,
Merciful to all,
Compassionate to Each!
Psalm 119, 2
Blessed are the undefiled in the Way, who walk in the law of the Lord.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
My Voice
I used to have a voice but somewhere along the way I lost it.
Everything has become so politically correct, so mild mannered. We have a whole society of sheep like me out there. I used to have a voice, I used to tell people where to go, no to fuck off.
I got my balls handed to me by everyone, my parents, my older family members, my female friends, people I didn’t know and I had to keep my p’s and q’s. Can’t tell the judge to sod off, have to be nice to some little snot that’s puking half words all over everyone. When somebody should knock him or her on there ass.
I’ve been beaten, yes me and I had to take it, because there where more of them than me. I had only me to tell my story. Why bother there’s more of them than me. Nobody cared, it was just because I drank.
Yes I drink, used to be really good at it actually. So when your like that your just fucking worthless, thrown away discarded, and of course it was always because of the drink.
I’ve been blamed for shit I never had anything do with. Doesn’t matter. When your labeled a drunk your always a drunk. According to how the rules work and all.
Actually, this drunk always worked, sometimes two and three jobs, never begged borrowed or stole. Tried to do all that everyone said I had to and when those tasks where over it was just me. Alone.
Been married twice, first one, didn’t work, we were to young and I wasn’t, well, wasn’t man enough to get the job done. I wasn’t good enough and that’s OK. I take the blame.
Spent the next several years trying to find out how to be the right kind of Man. Failed.
Then amazingly I met a woman that was amazing. We are still together, she hasn’t killed me yet.
She knows me through and through. Knows my pains and my heartaches. She has seen me struggle and lose and spurred me on to try again. She has been all things to me, most of all a friend. She is probably the only woman I’ve ever trusted.
She has also lived with the fear of losing me to the reaper. Been close a couple times. I do what I can to fend it off. But God is a bit out of my range, although I keep trying to get him or her to hear me.
So why so angry.
Its my voice, I need to get it back and it’s the only way I know how to get it going. HOWL, like Ginsberg said, get it out. Make the world hear you roar.
I need to find my voice once again, I used to have one so many years ago, it would only surface when I didn’t need it to. Now I need it to take front and center stage, because from what I’ve been told. It just a matter of time, God will answer my call.
Everything has become so politically correct, so mild mannered. We have a whole society of sheep like me out there. I used to have a voice, I used to tell people where to go, no to fuck off.
I got my balls handed to me by everyone, my parents, my older family members, my female friends, people I didn’t know and I had to keep my p’s and q’s. Can’t tell the judge to sod off, have to be nice to some little snot that’s puking half words all over everyone. When somebody should knock him or her on there ass.
I’ve been beaten, yes me and I had to take it, because there where more of them than me. I had only me to tell my story. Why bother there’s more of them than me. Nobody cared, it was just because I drank.
Yes I drink, used to be really good at it actually. So when your like that your just fucking worthless, thrown away discarded, and of course it was always because of the drink.
I’ve been blamed for shit I never had anything do with. Doesn’t matter. When your labeled a drunk your always a drunk. According to how the rules work and all.
Actually, this drunk always worked, sometimes two and three jobs, never begged borrowed or stole. Tried to do all that everyone said I had to and when those tasks where over it was just me. Alone.
Been married twice, first one, didn’t work, we were to young and I wasn’t, well, wasn’t man enough to get the job done. I wasn’t good enough and that’s OK. I take the blame.
Spent the next several years trying to find out how to be the right kind of Man. Failed.
Then amazingly I met a woman that was amazing. We are still together, she hasn’t killed me yet.
She knows me through and through. Knows my pains and my heartaches. She has seen me struggle and lose and spurred me on to try again. She has been all things to me, most of all a friend. She is probably the only woman I’ve ever trusted.
She has also lived with the fear of losing me to the reaper. Been close a couple times. I do what I can to fend it off. But God is a bit out of my range, although I keep trying to get him or her to hear me.
So why so angry.
Its my voice, I need to get it back and it’s the only way I know how to get it going. HOWL, like Ginsberg said, get it out. Make the world hear you roar.
I need to find my voice once again, I used to have one so many years ago, it would only surface when I didn’t need it to. Now I need it to take front and center stage, because from what I’ve been told. It just a matter of time, God will answer my call.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
What was I Thinking Of?
I sit around sometimes thinking about pretty much everything. What tasks I need to perform around the home, not only because they need to be done but it also keeps the wife happy. Something men would be wise to do, on a regular basis. Trust me.
I think about what I’ve read or what I’m about to read. I think about what other people may be reading, or if other people still know how to read. Which would be a sad thing, if the reading of literature ever came to a screeching halt. Then I would feel completely alone with my books, like Burgess Meredith in that Twilight Zone episode, “Time Enough”. Not unlike his character my glasses would break and then I’d be, well screwed, just like he was.
I think about the news and why the world seemingly is getting crazier by the minute. Life really shouldn’t be that difficult, but it seems that way, at least on any one of the many news broadcasts or talk shows you may want to watch. I can’t stand most of them, don’t even get me started on reality TV, they are the worst.
Everybody from the far left to the far right, the conservative and the liberal, the Christian, the Jew and the Muslim. All seemingly have the right opinion on how things should go.
As far as religions go, I’m all for them, and yes I mean all of them. People should be afforded to believe or not believe as they would like. I do not believe that the following of one belief has the right to inflict disparaging acts of violence on any other belief. First comes knowledge, then understanding with that comes compassion and love.
To long have Powers of Government systems kept we simple children of God, Allah at each others throats. This is how they control the masses and expend their philosophies and power over lands and other peoples.
All the while politicians and bureaucrats,( yes bureaucrats are a special type of people), spend their time in closed door meetings about sub-committee (s) they belong to and how they need more committee time to figure out how that committee would affect the results of another committee, which is bogus because its run by the other side.
So there in turn is the real problem. All these committees talking amongst themselves on or about other committees and what they are doing. When clearly those other committees, groups and viewpoints are wrong. They having not realized that it is the other committee that is the right way to view the problem at hand.
Got it.
In the long run nothing is accomplished with the exception that all the committees agree that their task is truly to encumbered with laws, rules, regulations, martinis and long lunches thus they having worked so hard at accomplishing nothing for the greater good of the people of the country, they should be rewarded, with a raise.
All vote, pass the raise. The I’ s have it, session is over go to the islands for a well needed long rest followed by an equally long vacation. Which they don’t pay for. Do they ever go home where their constituents can see them. Hmmmm.
Seems as if I got off track, but no this is all part of my daily process of thought. I think about these things all the time.
Sometimes I have solutions. But I am simple minded and not of any importance for anyone to listen to little ol me.
Term Limits. That’s it, well not really. If you work in a plant you sell your time to the company machine, after twenty to thirty years you get the gold watch and the ability to retire your old bones. Most politicians think that they have a right to retirement after only serving one term, bull.
I believe that politics has turned into some sort of job for the elite and those that think they are elite. With promises of the best medical care, special interest loans, housing, automobiles, education, and even exemption from the same laws you and I have to follow. Politicians do two things well. Spend our money and lie, you can tell when a politician is lying, there lips are moving.
So this is what I think. All people in this country should be literate, it starts at home and you can learn for free.
News should be news, I don’t care about celebrities they don’t make news even when they are arrested and get slapped on the wrist. Ridicules. I don’t care about what the ultra rich do to the ultra rich. News should be news. Like when Walter Cronkite was on the air.
Reality TV ok so some of it can be entertaining. ‘America’s Got Talent’, ‘Most Wanted’, ‘Whale Wars’ etc. But for the shows that are out there like, ‘Jersey Shore’, ‘Jerry Springer’ (still on, please), etc. OK, stupid is just stupid.
I like TV as much as the next person, but equate stupid TV with what it teaches and then you wonder WHY some people do what they do.
I agree with some that are calling for the end of the Department of Education, let that money go directly to the systems within the states and get rid of these education politicians whom don’t do anything for our children.
What do I think about politicians. They lie. Unless they make themselves available to their communities which put them in office, fire them, they aren’t working for you any more.
Now what was I thinking of?
I think about what I’ve read or what I’m about to read. I think about what other people may be reading, or if other people still know how to read. Which would be a sad thing, if the reading of literature ever came to a screeching halt. Then I would feel completely alone with my books, like Burgess Meredith in that Twilight Zone episode, “Time Enough”. Not unlike his character my glasses would break and then I’d be, well screwed, just like he was.
I think about the news and why the world seemingly is getting crazier by the minute. Life really shouldn’t be that difficult, but it seems that way, at least on any one of the many news broadcasts or talk shows you may want to watch. I can’t stand most of them, don’t even get me started on reality TV, they are the worst.
Everybody from the far left to the far right, the conservative and the liberal, the Christian, the Jew and the Muslim. All seemingly have the right opinion on how things should go.
As far as religions go, I’m all for them, and yes I mean all of them. People should be afforded to believe or not believe as they would like. I do not believe that the following of one belief has the right to inflict disparaging acts of violence on any other belief. First comes knowledge, then understanding with that comes compassion and love.
To long have Powers of Government systems kept we simple children of God, Allah at each others throats. This is how they control the masses and expend their philosophies and power over lands and other peoples.
All the while politicians and bureaucrats,( yes bureaucrats are a special type of people), spend their time in closed door meetings about sub-committee (s) they belong to and how they need more committee time to figure out how that committee would affect the results of another committee, which is bogus because its run by the other side.
So there in turn is the real problem. All these committees talking amongst themselves on or about other committees and what they are doing. When clearly those other committees, groups and viewpoints are wrong. They having not realized that it is the other committee that is the right way to view the problem at hand.
Got it.
In the long run nothing is accomplished with the exception that all the committees agree that their task is truly to encumbered with laws, rules, regulations, martinis and long lunches thus they having worked so hard at accomplishing nothing for the greater good of the people of the country, they should be rewarded, with a raise.
All vote, pass the raise. The I’ s have it, session is over go to the islands for a well needed long rest followed by an equally long vacation. Which they don’t pay for. Do they ever go home where their constituents can see them. Hmmmm.
Seems as if I got off track, but no this is all part of my daily process of thought. I think about these things all the time.
Sometimes I have solutions. But I am simple minded and not of any importance for anyone to listen to little ol me.
Term Limits. That’s it, well not really. If you work in a plant you sell your time to the company machine, after twenty to thirty years you get the gold watch and the ability to retire your old bones. Most politicians think that they have a right to retirement after only serving one term, bull.
I believe that politics has turned into some sort of job for the elite and those that think they are elite. With promises of the best medical care, special interest loans, housing, automobiles, education, and even exemption from the same laws you and I have to follow. Politicians do two things well. Spend our money and lie, you can tell when a politician is lying, there lips are moving.
So this is what I think. All people in this country should be literate, it starts at home and you can learn for free.
News should be news, I don’t care about celebrities they don’t make news even when they are arrested and get slapped on the wrist. Ridicules. I don’t care about what the ultra rich do to the ultra rich. News should be news. Like when Walter Cronkite was on the air.
Reality TV ok so some of it can be entertaining. ‘America’s Got Talent’, ‘Most Wanted’, ‘Whale Wars’ etc. But for the shows that are out there like, ‘Jersey Shore’, ‘Jerry Springer’ (still on, please), etc. OK, stupid is just stupid.
I like TV as much as the next person, but equate stupid TV with what it teaches and then you wonder WHY some people do what they do.
I agree with some that are calling for the end of the Department of Education, let that money go directly to the systems within the states and get rid of these education politicians whom don’t do anything for our children.
What do I think about politicians. They lie. Unless they make themselves available to their communities which put them in office, fire them, they aren’t working for you any more.
Now what was I thinking of?
Friday, September 3, 2010
'HELL'
HELL
Void of eternal darkness
lightning
Illuminates burnt blackened shadowy images
jolting the sub conscious.
Anguish………….
in screams
Shattered piercing pain,
every movement brings.
Did I move? don’t move……
lye still…..
Just a dream.
Only a nightmare!
Troubled souls
reaching for escape,
Broken steel appendages
twisted steel remnants.
Hope and prayers
held back, grasping
For the eternally unreachable
escape from bondage.
Promises to repent
just make ,It ….go away
Promises broken
then broken every day.
Absolution
self medication in the moment
Brings fading respite
immediate to the lost.
A door to no where
nothingness
Seamless expanse forever
never ending Screams,
Is that me?
I’m in here
No sound finds my voice
empty echoes in my mind.
Faces diving at me
ghoulish, elongated ,laughing
As if trying to eat my
Run!!!!!
Momentary blindness
cold sweat , confusion
Where am I, who are you
what is that?
Don’t make me sleep again!!!
terrified tears, begging please
Just relax ,
you’ll be just fine just a little prick.
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RKMcLean c 2010
Void of eternal darkness
lightning
Illuminates burnt blackened shadowy images
jolting the sub conscious.
Anguish………….
in screams
Shattered piercing pain,
every movement brings.
Did I move? don’t move……
lye still…..
Just a dream.
Only a nightmare!
Troubled souls
reaching for escape,
Broken steel appendages
twisted steel remnants.
Hope and prayers
held back, grasping
For the eternally unreachable
escape from bondage.
Promises to repent
just make ,It ….go away
Promises broken
then broken every day.
Absolution
self medication in the moment
Brings fading respite
immediate to the lost.
A door to no where
nothingness
Seamless expanse forever
never ending Screams,
Is that me?
I’m in here
No sound finds my voice
empty echoes in my mind.
Faces diving at me
ghoulish, elongated ,laughing
As if trying to eat my
Run!!!!!
Momentary blindness
cold sweat , confusion
Where am I, who are you
what is that?
Don’t make me sleep again!!!
terrified tears, begging please
Just relax ,
you’ll be just fine just a little prick.
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RKMcLean c 2010
Proud To Be A Contributor
PROUD TO BE A CONTRIBUTOR TO 'For Every Man', avalaible at Amozon & Barnes&Noble ISBN 978-0-9783483-9-7 This book is dedicated to anyone who has ever had to deal with male specific cancer, and to those who support them and everyone who is working to help find a cure. The Inner Circle of Poets can only hope that this book adds to the outstanding work you have already achieved. The money raised by this book will be donated to the Everyman Campaign, a uk based charity whose main goal is to cross out male cancer. The "30 Male Poets" who have submitted their poetry into this book come from across the globe: Canada. United States, Great Britain and Nigeria; they have all donated their time and work with the hope they can help raise funds to increase the chances of a cure for prostrate and testicular cancer but more so awareness of how important it is to diagnose and treat this particular type of cancer early. The Inner Circle of Poets have been bringing beautiful books together for worthy causes for some time now. Remember to check out "The Beauty Within" raising money for Breast Cancer and "Hidden Pieces" which raises money for autism!
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/rkmclean#ixzz0yUfBIwqV
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/rkmclean#ixzz0yUfBIwqV
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