LOSS

I’ve been busy around our place, all the while thinking about Loss, the Loss of all those nine years ago, those we’ve sacrificed over sea’s in Iraq, Afghanistan and places we don’t even know about. About my cousin Harry Fuller, whom I only knew about through his sister and today his brother Ed.
Kept sticking in my head, I should feel more. He is my cousin. I know he was what I was told a good man, had three children, I heard his wife’s from a previous marriage. That shouldn’t matter you take care of them and try, your just as much a part of their world as their paternal.
I know both sides of that coin, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.
I talked to Joe his older brother, at least I think he’s the eldest, a couple times but not anything recent. His brother Edward is on my Face book page. I think Ed is the youngest. But you know I’m not sure of any of these facts.
I never reached out to Harry, at least I have no memory of the attempt. I just don’t know why.
I haven’t been home in so many years I’m not sure where home is anymore. Guess its just a memory on one hand and a place you lay your hat on the other.
I’ve only this past couple years actually been connecting with family I only remembered as a child. I looked and waited for years, trust me. My only two contacts my real Dad when I was like seventeen almost eighteen. He called asked for my Mom. Asked who I was and then said, ”hello Robert this is you dad“. I thought, like are you shitting me, thirteen years and bam, now. My emotions where instantaneously in overdrive, I just froze. I think he said something else, but by then I had looked over at my step Dad sitting at the table with a quizzical look, I just put the phone down and walked away. “Mom its for You”.
I waited for years for that and when it happened I just froze.
My other contact, My Uncle my real dad’s brother, my name sake. We spoke a few times on the phone corresponded in the mail.
He was everything I needed him to be.
He’d gotten hold of me shortly after my Dad had died. I was married to my first wife. She worried about me when I got the news, I just kept working. Like nothing happened.
I knew at one time that my first wife cared about me, but I was so lost. I wanted emotions without strings, somehow I got used to disappointment. I didn’t realize much later in life that some people get so used to it they sabotage things in their own life because they don’t believe they deserve anything good.
We we’re young and I had much bigger problems than she could handle. Our marriage got us away from what we’d both been running from for awhile. She was the wiser for ending it.
My uncle had died at that point, but I wasn’t sure for a really long time, no contact, letters returned. I figured it was just the way it was going to be. Get to close, shit happens.
I’d found out I have two half siblings one boy, one girl. Edward and Renee. Tried looking for years, no luck so far.
I lost my daughter for awhile. Perhaps I still have to some degree. Of all my losses that’s the one I never got over. It changes you, you learn that some things are never enough. That sometimes it is what it is. I watch or try to watch what I say or write. I have to be a different person. Does it help, not being honest with one’s self. No.
But I would rather die than hurt the one’s I love. She is strong and talented, I would like to think she got some of that from her old man. I couldn’t tell you. I’m low on the pecking order. But I do know she at least loves me even if she can’t understand me. I’ll take that over everything.
My step children have had to deal with the opposite side of that coin. Their parents separated, they love both their parents. I’ve always told them this is your real Dad and he always will be. They still struggle with their relationship. Guess some things aren’t really as different than they are the same.



I lost my friend Jack (a wolf) and my big brother Chris not far apart from each other, at least in my mind. Both Losses where hard for me to handle. I didn’t care about what people thought or if they even understood my grief.

I lost my Uncle Bill, whom I admired very much. I will in future have to deal with the losses of my Aunts, Uncle and Step Dad. I almost lost my mother a month ago.

That and the loss of my Grandmother’s, both Mary and Hazel. I still miss them dearly and its been more than thirty years. I have lost relatives I cared for, friends due to accidents and even their own grief. Loss has just been part of my life.
I am sure I’m not alone in this boat. Just seems to be part of the pattern.

Grief is for the living, so I’ve been told. My cousin Harry, I believe is in a better place, although I’m sure he wasn’t ready to go. I don’t believe none of us are really ever ready.

I know I wasn’t, but I got brought back. I’m not afraid of it any more. I just don’t want to hurt anyone in the process or in the after math.

Rest in peace Harry, and all you others, we’ll all see each other later.